so freaking tired.

im seriously very sian, tired, confused and pissed.


so much things to do, so much i want to do and yet i just cant seem to cope.


worried about life in university. even more worried about life after uni.


Hong bin talked to me again today. I seriously am tempted to join him but i just cant bring myself to do it, abit due to laziness and abit due to the fact of its ?unstableness?





Its not helping at all.



just came back from an awesome weekend..







bernard, charlie a.k.a xiao pang and me




















just before the drinking session





















jeff had a poloroid cam.. but couldnt give each and everyone of us a pic.. so took a pic of the pic..
















and the best thing ever.. hammock on board the ship..













lazy to go add the other photos already.. just go my facebook and see ba...
the thing that also made my trip enjoyable is that i wasnt seasick at all.. ok.. maybe once in the morning after the drinking session and the boat rocked like nobody business... but after a puke, it was all ok already...




diving, eating, sleeping, talking cock and back to diving, eating and sleeping is the life.. saving up for the august trip.. jio more ppl and we are on our way....



life is getting better nowadays... been busy busy busy..

Took a school up to mt Ophir.. Damn cute bunch of kids.. too bad cnt post any pics up.. The teachers are also quite fun.

then a gd working lobang drop on me... pay is very good.. but have to wait till august to get the pay... then also having diving theory and prac.. by next sunday i would be a proficient diver already.



backed from a chalet last weekend.. only got down to blogging about it now.




it was quite fun... too bad so many of us are still busy.. friday went down to prepare everything and was bored since so little people.. in the end played arcade and caught the 0150hrs "angels and demons" freaking awesome show.. recommend it with a 4.5 stars..



by the time we reach back, all of us quite shag and since have to wake up early the nxt day to go wild wild wet(free tix for 8 of us) we zonked out... CB wei chong and danny went makan and when they came back found us sleeping, danny suggested to kop my blanket since i was already down. i was half aslp and heard everything but was too tired or shd i say "aslp". its sort of like you are aslp but know whats going on around you type of slp. after much debate, they commented shd kop alvin's blanket since he has his gf to hug and feel warm.... dont know what happened after that cos i totally shut down.



next day, managed to scrape it in time for Mac's breakfast and headed down to wild wild wet... the viking is still awesomely fun.... nothing much at wild wild wet i must say. its the type of place, visit once and its enough.


back at the chalet we started to bbq and had some drinks... the food was great but didnt eat much. after the bbq ended we realised that there was too much vodka left. so we played indian poker and "big fish small fish" FUCKING funny.. the more you drink the worse you become... ended up the game keep getting shorter and shorter, more and more mistakes...





All thanks to Alvin who managed to organise the whole damn chalet. enoch helped loads too... me, i was just a camel... lmao...



Went prawning today.. waa quite fun... too bad there was no camera at hand or else will take some photos and post it up...



Actually the main purpose was just to chit chat with mun but in the end went prawning. 1st catch of the day was some tiny prawn but oh well was still quite shoik... towards the end managed to catch a reasonably sized prawn.. with 2 rods only managed to catch about 10+ odd prawns.. chey~ didnt manage to BBQ it since it started raining very heavily.. so cooked maggi and throw in the prawns..





I am starting to dispise a certain person. I mean, the way he doing things and such... it is not meant to be like this between frens... even bernard also was like WTF how come you got such "brothers". i think his frens show more 'brother-ness'




Hmm... Kenny is starting to seem like a gd fren to have.. very 'on' and quite fun to talk to although quite crappy at times...





i do not want to think about the whole incident any more but i cant help it. freak, can also dream about such shitty things happening.. after ORD i am going to work my ass off till i am so shack i cannot even think... WORK WORK~



Is the world meant to be covered in lies and deception? cannot complaint much since im also living in it. sometimes i question the reason why people live behind such masks? to "protect" people they care about? to live life simplified since what they dont know cant hurt? please.. I AM NOT STUPID nor am i dumb. i maybe very sua gu when it comes to r/s or chasing a person i like, but i still can hear still can see and i still can feel.


call me a hypocrite, but im in a situation that is so twisted and complicated where even the sensing of time has been nulified. I told lies that im not proud of nor am i comfortable with. can someone just tell me the whole story? from the start to the end hiding nothing, leaving nothing out?


i have dared, took a step i nvr took before. but time nor place were not on my side. is it the same as the others? am i meant to just fail? nothing matters anymore, just the truth.


im confused. actions dun match what you are saying or asking. what you said dun match what you are saying/asking anymore. i prefer you everything just just laid flat on the ground and every ends with a nip in the bud. but noooo it has to just drag and drag and just go on.



what you have told me, is it the truth? i have tried, i have made all efforts but it still boils down to this and i find myself back at square 1 minus the companionship, plus all the shit that is frm the result of all these shit.



I AM REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. TO TELL ME SOMETHING AND DO ANOTHER THING. I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO COME CLEAN WITH ME BUT YOU WOULDN'T HEED. YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU SOW NO MATTER WHAT. I GAVE YOU ANOTHER CHANCE ALREADY. ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY. I WAS FOOLED BY YOU ONCE, ITS YOUR FAULT. FOOLED BY YOU TWICE, ITS MY FAULT. I SHALL NO LONGER BELIEVE WHAT YOU SAY.



2 weeks


so damn many things happened




dunno wat to think



dunno wat to say



dunno wat to do



took out the bracers 2 weeks back.. hmmm.. feels good~


to start planning for my life ahead. AFter ORD gg to work.. still undecided if want to sign on or not.. SIA.... PLease CHoose Me.. I WanT to WorK FoR YoU....


ok gg off to mahjong already...



hmm.. debating nowadays whether to sign on or not.. so tempting leh. they pay my uni, got gd allowance. but job sucks like shit.... 6 yrs...



starting to sway to the dont sign on....




life is ok ba nowadays... missed one or two days for my pushup regime, miss swimming in feb. (tio 7 extra)




my understudy come liao.. haha quite happy and sian also. he abit blur leh.. things supposed to do he dont do. things not supposed to do he go try to find out about it... ahaha nvm la.. last time i also quite screwed up.





saving... need more $$ to go genting, taiwan, learn diving and take my bike license..... so much to do so little time...



hahah.. so far most of my resolution still in place cept 1.. i finish smking my pack already.. gave alot out thou so dun really count but if count by number of sticks i think i have just smked my last for jan,feb and march. lmao.... farked..


lets try to withstand as much as i can.



cny coming liao.. i no longer feel the thrill of cny liao. its just another day. we can play mahjong, gamble, talk cock late into the nite...




driving TP is coming up.. feb 10~



resolutions for the new year. every entry will end with this now...




1) to complete my driving and pass it before the yr 2010.

2) to stop bitching about 'work'. Thats life. suck it up.

3) to cut down on smoking. 1 pack every quarter.

4) to visit taiwan. better start planning.

5) to start doing push ups everyday. 20 + (2 x (week) )

6) to swim once at least every month.



thats the list of 2009.



2008 have been ok ba.. loads of events.. mainly to do with army... didnt accomplish my 2008 goals. didnt save th e amount of $$ i wanted to, didnt stop smoking. oh well try again!



starting to plan for my taiwan trip already. jioing ppl to go. anyway the world is waiting for me...





cleared up alot of doubts in my mind already... its time for the world to feel my resolution. hahaha sounds so much like ichigo... i want to be a YES man..









back from Msia. went there with my extended family to just RELAX~



life there seems soooo slow paced and relaxed.. the 1st 3 nights we stayed at a runned down building. freaking nothing to do there and no cable to watch. so we sleep bout 10, 11 pm. which is quite early considering we are on holiday.


oh well im not that fussy about the place. the thing i was most pissed off is the place is soo run down and they dun maintain the place properly and let it out to guest. my little cuz was in the toliet and we heard a crash and "LO AND BEHOLD" the freaking sink laid shattered on the floor. lucky she was not injured.



went snorkeling the 2nd day... The view was so beautiful but too bad couldnt go deeper. the scuba diving guy wanted to charge us 300ringgit for like 15 mins of diving. wtf lo. i shall go pick it up after my tp! cheaper.. WHO WANNA COME?




3rd day was just walking around the towns to see wat we can buy.. nothing much to see except they had like 100 over brands of cigarettes. simi liao jiao, black devil, pink rose.. etc etc. they had some sort of stall selling weird looking and tasting thing. looked kinda like weird shaped worms but it tasted of keropok. now the next thing it is chewy~ it gets to you after a few bites. then we went to play go kart. lmao.. it is fast for that little contraption but its too light, or should i say im too light. i get tossed about in the seat.


went back to the 'chalet' and laze around till dinner. then went to bed. the 4th day was so much better. checked out of the chalet and booked in to a real chalet. SHARITON <<< (haha dunno how to spell). but the place was awesome.. nice pool, private beach. ( loads of crabs, fishes and jelly fishes). i spent the whole day sleeping by the beach. woke up ate some lunch, had a swim at the pool and a beer from the poolside bar. ~heaven~ then went to the beach and tried to catch fishes and crabs. in the end all we caught was a bigass jelly fish.


gota slp now~ tmr got parade. update again another time.



hmm.. these few days quite busy but still, been thinking of saving up enough to join my fren in opening a cafe. Probably not so soon. toying with the idea though.



just a nice quint place where people can sit down eat and have the service that is seen so little nowadays in singapore anymore. A place where the service staff knows how the food is cooked where its from and can discribe it with such detail and make the mouth water. definately it all has to be true to each taste. well people have different taste. So for the regulars they would know which staff have similiar taste and have the assurance the flavour and taste of each dish suits their palette.



so far this week my goal has been kept.. its on its way now just have to add in a few more goals.



wa liao eh.. i wan go taiwan soon.. got so much things to buy... like this jacket.




1 yr has passed so fast! wa liao eh... soon xmas is coming...



wads your wish for xmas?



Question of the day: who really understands you?


Answer: nobody. that is how i feel. those who is not in your shoes right now totally do not understand. people give advice from their past experience, but they forgot the feelings they had at the time. yet it is also not totally similar since time and space separates both.






im so tired everyday, but my brain works overtime. hahaha problem..



quite hilarious





hmm.. farking long bo update liao.. blog almost died.. newae these few days went to a few chalets.. went for joan's, eric's, mmec and upcoming is the log department's...


pics from joan's




































crap i still look poofy in this pic..







Eric's bdae had a theme. COSPLAY lmao i didnt get any of the costume so jus played around with flame's

























































itachi?

























my sister..







oh the mmec dun have any photos.. we jus mahjong-ed and tok cock and drink root beer.. and walk to the beach to tok more cock.



somewhat feeling better since i can eat the basic food already.. no fried food and no thick slabs of meat yet.. but it still feels good to eat once again..



going back to work on this coming monday.. new office.. its been under renovation since i got in... went back once and it is quite nice leh actually.. But the headache will soon approach..




SIGH~ as i look at Alvin, he looks so happy and contented... they say u have to be in a relationship to understand wat it is all about. i played with tang hoe, fm and his da sao mj that nite. after fm left we continued.. and listening to hoe's MP3, da sao commented that the songs make her feel like tan lian ai all over again. as i listened all it brought about was a tinge of sadness, a pinch of lonliness and covered over by fear and denial.



Its abit like my brain is trying to cover up the heart so it does not feel the sadness and loneliness all over again.



~!* jus let me get over my life im too afraid to feel pain again *!~



im gg to take out the splint in my mouth soon but still cnt eat all the food i want to.. sigh.. feeling very lonely again.

[Justin]
(I know you are out there baby...somewhere)
There is someone out there for me (I know there is somebody out there)
I know she is waiting so patiently (yeah)
can you tell me her name? (Somebody tell me her name)
This life-long search is gonna drive me insane
How does she laugh? How does she cry? What's the color of her eyes?
Does she even realize I'm here?
Where is she? Where is she? Where is she? Where is this beautiful girl?
Who is she? Who is she? Who is gonna complete my world?
Where is she? Where is she? Where is this beautiful girl?
Who is she? Who is she? Who is gonna complete my world?
dadadadadada dadadada dadadadadada (where are you?)

[Natalie]
I'm staring out at the sky (I see you baby)
Praying that he will walk in my life
Where is the man of my dreams (right here) yea-yeah
I'll wait forever, how silly it seems
How does he laugh? How does he cry? What's the color of his eyes?
Does he even realize I'm here?
Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is this beautiful guy?
Who is he? Who is he? Who is gonna take me so high?
Where is he? Where is he? Where is this beautiful guy?
Who is he? Who is he? Who is gonna take me so high?
dadadadadada dadadada dadadadadada (where are you?)

[Justin]
There is someone out there for me (there is someone out there for me)
I know she is waiting so patiently (so patient)
Can you tell me her name (can you tell me his name)
This life-long search is gonna drive me insane (that's right)

[Natalie]
How does he laugh? How does he cry? What is the color of his eyes?
Does he even realize I'm here?

[Justin]
Where is she? Where is she? Where is she? Where is this beautiful girl?
Who is she? Who is she? Who is gonna complete my world?

[Natalie]
Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is this beautiful guy?
Who is he? Who is he? Who is gonna take me so high?

[Together]
dadadadadada dadadada (yeah) dadadadadada (I know you out there)
dadadadadada dadadada (yeah) dadadadadada

[Justin Talking]
Where are you?? I'm going to look all over the world baby
'Cuz I know you are out there
I know this might sound crazy, but I think I love you
dadadadadada (that's right) dadadada dadadadadada
dadadadadada dadadada (yeah) dadadadadada

Where are you??




sigh~ a birthday staying at home really sucks... also cnt go and eat somemore... sigh~



ok finally super bored till i decided to update the before and after me...

the me when i warded in















the after me which is fat! ok look fat




i, having not read the papers for almost my whole life, suddenly regret being so ill informed of the things that are going on in Singapore and the world. The campaigns by the goverment, how they forcasted the economic crisis, and how about this crisis is adverted by their help. The rebates that we have been recieving is to help us pass the tough times we are in and that it has been anticipated for already years.


ERP and the cost of COE have been managed well so as to let the singaporeans to own a car per family each. COE have dropped but to reduce the traffic jams, ERP has to go up.



Another interesting fact i realised is the fact that there is 1.5 times more handphones in singapore then the number of people. Why do people need more then 1 handphone? The other thing about handphones is that, SHIT im lagging behind that i didnt even know that you can immediately upload videos through streaming immediately from the hp to the web.


so farking pissed lo... wtf lo.. my parents keep shouting and calling me den i reply wat fuck. knn... u wan tok to me cnt come find me ar. everytime make me mmm.. den u laugh and say wtf im toking.. FUCK YOU LA! whole day nagging at me.. 2 days more then can eat 2 more days ar. den 5 secs later for no fucking reason come and nag me say even if take out the rubber band already cnt eat ar... you must not risk later you break your jaw again ar den have to wait 10 more days ar... SO WAT THE FUCK YOU TALKING 2 MORE DAYS?



super bored now with nothing to do at home and feeing so crappy. i want to eat again!!! the swelling on the face is still making me look fat. it will on ly probably go down in about 1 months time. WTH lo 1 month is a long time leh.... sigh pray for me ppl and hope i can eat back again in 2 weeks time. hope i can heal up super fast like some kind of generic thingy.. KFC!! Chicken Rice!! Ba Chor Mee... slurrp.. can u believe i dreamt about food ytd nite freaking was salavating in my slp.. lmao.



i just remembered my dad got this chalet sharing thingy, but our resort is in Spain, means i can get the chalet there for 1 week free. hmmm organising a trip for the sas gang, i still think gg taiwan better cos cheaper... can spend more without thinking about cash too much..

anyway, a flight in june period will be about $800-$1200 to taiwan, to spain is $2000-$2300.
then since go taiwan no chalet so means another cost..


i need to collect all the dates when we all ord 1st before can decide. den uni starts around 2week of august. sooo hmmm~~



was at NDC this afternoon or shd i say evening. was waiting for my turn when i noticed it was showing things about the olympics. i think it was the past olympics playback. so these 2 guys were sitting beside me. their conversation went abit like this:

guy1: look at that its showing live ar?

guy2: no la its last time de olympics.

guy1: the olympics ar, is for the european countries de. where got asian country join. like fencing, they "piang ping piang"( at this moment he punched his fist into the air like he won) "yea!" then win liao..

guy2:.....

guy1:(continues) they "ping piang piang piang(he utters this very fast swinging his hands around in an attempt to imitate fencing which i tot looked like crap) "den YEA!" they win again.

guy2:................

guy1:but i like to watch weight lifting*he changes the topic faster then the time it takes a fart after leaving the arse to difffuse in to air*





something wrong with him and he looks like a 30+40 yr old dude..



y?? y is this happening. Just when i tot i closed up the wounds and hardened the heart. Saw my heart beating during the cardio that day. Who does it beat for? it works so hard 24/7, beating just for a single person.


Im so confused. i know what im feeling but dunno y. I am certainly interested in her, but i dun have that feeling when i ask her out. When i used to ask Xiao sha out my heart would be bursting when she said yes. Smiled like i nvr smiled before. so after i harden the heart i met her. I dun feel that same happiness and joy. So should i be going after her? and reading my manga, the female character managed to confessed to the guy. i felt my heart come back alive for that short time.



Life was going fine with me, then my gd fren got "married" i think that got me abit lonely cos i used to think of him as a buddy who understands me. Somehow all the frens who got attached through my help or without my help jus left. They are no longer there.. Basically the true frens i have are just a handful, when they just left when even i was in pain, i hardened my heart. after that i truely felt nothing. I could feel normal but my dad and mum will come up and ask if im ok and y did i look so sad. Is that sadness natural? does my eyes hold all the sadness?



People are shocked when they know im a christian, something is wrong.
People are shocked when they know i have nvr been attached, something is wrong.
people are shocked when they know i club, something is wrong.
But now nobody is shocked when i smoke, even though i am on the way to quitting.


Haiz~ some thing is definately wrong...



just talking to her and eating dinner with her seems so much fun yet it seems so short. mixed signals sent out. the feeling of hope is slowly peeling open the layers of defense i created. i dun wan to feel that pain anymore.. Is she affecting me this much? Dad commented i looked sad today. this is the 1st time he commented on me lookin sad.


what is wrong? am i that bad? so many people surprised that im a christian, so many people surprised i have nvr been in a relationship. she is one of them. But she has had 25 ex before. i worry that i may not meet her expectations.. haiz wat am i to do?



haha had loads of fun this week.. met up wif ester to watch a movie, more movies coming up..


ohoh met 1 x hot babe + 1 x cute ger.. haha her voice damn cute lo.. hahhaa all at amk hub~ hhmmm life is getting better~





I realised that not many people know who i am or i know who people are. What exactly are we? we all define ourselves by suppressing the "dark" side of us. So most people will see us as exactly what we want to portray ourselves as. So when we "release" this dark side, who is it? i behave very differently in mood and all before and after i drink.. Is that good?




Last week was good. Love life there. Yesterday's dinner was ok la.. quite nice.. but the atmosphere was kinda funny lor. i can turn off the ache liao.. waliao can say i am pro lor.. Dun feel the ache anymore, see her online finger itchy wan chat with her but can resist.. woots





Happy birthday to weiling, enoch, darren and fang mun~!




i have commissioned already...


it seems like its no big deal.. parade was fuked up.. screwed up... haiZ~ couldnt find a date for my commission ball so asked my gd fren along. feels a bit weird leh.. cos we like buddies den must behave so primp and proper with her.. lmao



the feeling of lonliness suddenly hit me today for no reason. wth lo.. i was getting along fine..




it seems i change personality before and after i drink. the before is a serious dun like joking around kind of person, wonders why the hell people are cursing "fuck la, this...., that...." complaint for wat fuck, do something about it la. When people are joking around during the parade, super du lan them. Fucking hell dun spoil my parade. Dun dare to talk to gers cos scared of being rejected.

The after me is like "oh yea!! u wan noe that ger come i help u get to noe her" Lets party type of guy... that used to be the old me, fun loving except the daring to tok to gers part, i was damn shy den to tok to gers i dunno. Something is seriously wrong with me. or is that just that im growing up?



My operation coming soon.. july~ looks like im going to drink from a straw for 3 meals a day soon...